Because You've Been Conditioned

You can know a behavior is conditioned, rooted in systems you don't agree with, and still watch yourself do it anyway. This week's episode starts on the sidewalk — a decades-old protest of not stepping aside for men who expect the space — and follows that thread through proxemics, the mechanics of over-apologizing, a bartender whose pronouns you have to actively fight your own instincts to get right, and the uncomfortable math of whether any of it is enough to matter.

It isn't a resolved conversation. It's not supposed to be.

In this one:
A lifelong pet peeve with spatial awareness, and the sidewalk rule that started it in college. Proxemics, and what it means that socially dominant groups are conditioned to expect more physical space. Driving somewhere so familiar your mind checks out entirely. The difference between actually being wrong and just being conditioned to apologize anyway. A bartender, a pronoun, and the real-time labor of getting it right. What it means that Band-Aids were never made with your skin in mind. Boycotting one store while still ordering from Amazon, and whether that counts as doing your part. Crawling before you walk, walking before you run — and why the small stuff is the foundation, not the consolation prize.

"Why would I apologize? I have not moved. You wanna know why you apologize? Because you've been conditioned that way."

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

And you apologize. Hello? Why would I apologize? I have not moved. You want to know why you apologize? Because you've been conditioned that way.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

I'm Gabby, and you're listening to While I've Got You. Let's start the show.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

When I was about 18 or 19, I developed my like longest and most withstanding pet peeve. And that is people's general lack of spatial awareness. And I think when I look back over the years, the area that really highlighted why this bothers me so much is someone when I was 19, 20, 18, somewhere in there, pointed out to me that women are more likely when walking down the sidewalk, if a man is coming to towards them on their side of the sidewalk. Think about the flow of traffic. We know how traffic works. If they're walking towards them on their side of the sidewalk, women are more likely to step off of the sidewalk to avoid colliding with a man than a man is to one, step off the sidewalk or two, navigate or glide their way back over to their side of the sidewalk. And that really pisses me off. When I realized that, when that was brought to my attention, I vowed that for the rest of my days, I would not be stepping off the sidewalk for a man. That's crazy talk. Now, the exception to that rule before anybody's yelling at me and I become your pet peeve is if I'm in a large group, I try to be spatially and situationally aware enough to if we're coming up towards people, I'll say like, hey, everybody condense or like step over. And my people, people that roll with me, will get into a single foul line before we crowd and take up an entire sidewalk to, you know, for a few seconds to continue a conversation. We can step off and come back. Um, those are my exceptions. But since college, since this time that this was brought to my attention, I have been in this tiny little rebellion, this tiny little personalized standoff with dominant cultures around the world. Maybe not the world, around me. So not only did that like start this pet peeve, I've been irritated by people being in my bubble since before COVID. We should have always been standing six feet apart, as far as I'm concerned. But this episode got brought back up for me because of a video I saw a couple weeks ago where this creator is talking about the study of proximics, which essentially is like the study of spatial awareness, spatial understanding. And several studies have shown that typically in socially dominant groups, those people expect are conditioned to believe that they have a larger physical bubble. And that got me fired up again. Because what do you mean? Within that conversation and why that happens, there's another thing going on, as there usually is. There's another underlying context. And that underlying context is not only does the socially dominant group expect larger bubbles in public, but as someone not in the socially dominant group, I have been conditioned to be out of the way and respect that bubble. And even in my awareness of this particular example, even in my awareness of the ways oppressive systems that benefit the socially dominant group, I talked about this and how those systems aren't really that beneficial in the long run in last week's episode. Victim of the same system. So be sure to check that out. But even being aware of that system, I have also been conditioned to subscribe to it, to operate within it, to have my own subset of behaviors that fall under that. And no, that awareness does not automatically cure me of those behaviors. So much of it becomes so unconscious and innate that there are times that I catch myself doing things and behaving a certain way that I have been conditioned or nurtured to believe are correct when really I'm just like closing the lid on the box that society has put me in. It can become such second nature. Think about like when you're driving your car and you're going somewhere after a long day and your mind is caught up in so many other thoughts, you're consumed with your train of thought zigzagging and zooming all over the place that you eventually arrive at your destination or you arrive at the wrong place, not even remembering the drive over. That repetition and that behavior becomes such second nature that it takes so much internal work to like dismantle. Another really good example of this is I used to be someone who would be standing completely still. Again, this is about spatial awareness because it is my biggest pet peeve. All of my issues with the general public can be folded into a pretty little package of a lack of spatial awareness. But you can be standing completely still, stationary, not buried in your phone, minding your business, hands to yourself, in your own very tightly contained bubble, because your expectation is not that you have a larger bubble. You can be stuck in your skin-sized bubble and someone bump into you and you apologize. Hello? Why would I apologize? I have not moved. You want to know why you apologize? Because you've been conditioned that way. So I have been in this awareness and in these tiny little mini protests for a while. That example, because I see so many other people do it, I have stopped apologizing. Unless I'm wrong. If I'm actually wrong, then I go, oh my God, I'm so sorry. If it is such an inconsequential thing, or I bump into someone, I'm gonna apologize for that. But if it is such a small miss, or me and somebody else bump into each other, and they go to apologize, it was a mistake. There's no reason, like we're fine, everything's okay. You didn't see me standing here because you were wrangling a kid. That happens. I get it. And so I've stopped letting people apologize to me for that. But I also don't have time to be like, do you know why you apologize to me, ma'am? Maybe I'll be like, hey, I have a podcast, you should check it out. I talk about this exact thing you're doing right now. But right now, I usually just say, Oh, no worries, you're perfect. Or don't worry, you're perfect. You're perfect, you're perfect. I always say you're perfect when someone apologizes to me over something that is so inconsequential that it does not need you to be sorry for taking up space. Those are my two, like at the forefront of my mind, little acts of rebellion that I do. And on the one hand, they definitely make me feel pretty good. I don't know how much they're really doing to break down the systems that have labeled me and prescribed me a set of default behaviors that I'm supposed to do to abide by to fit into societal norms. Like in the grand scheme of things, bigger conversations are happening. Are my two little will collide? You can mess around and find out, but I'm not stepping off this sidewalk. Is that moment or my you're perfect, like throwaway comment, letting that be my throwaway comment instead of, oh, you're fine, I say you're perfect. Is that doing anything in the grand scheme of things? It's not enough to dismantle oppressive systems by playing chicken. Even if in the moment when it's happening, and I'm very aware in those instances, specifically this sidewalk instance that I can't shut up about because it drives me nuts. I'm very aware in those instances. Like, I feel like Katniss Everdeen when I don't move off that sidewalk. If we burn, you burn with us. Like we're gonna get into kerfuffle if you don't move. Because why would I move? It can't be my job alone to take down, in this specific example, the patriarchy. So maybe standing on the sidewalk and maybe tailoring my language instead of saying, oh, it's fine, and brushing it off to say, don't worry about it, you're perfect. Maybe those are enough. On the one hand, I can see that again, maybe those are enough, that there are little ways that I am conscious and aware in trying to dismantle the unconscious behaviors I enact to follow the guidelines of the labels that have been placed on me. And also, if we're being realistic, I am sure that there are a thousand little things that I do every day, day to day, that enforce or instill limiting thinking, limiting beliefs in my mind about who I am, what I'm capable of, who other people are, the ways in which I categorize other people and put them in oppressive states or behold them to oppressive labels is my sidewalk game of chicken addressing those. I think an example of this is if you've listened to the last 15 episodes of this podcast, then I think you have a pretty general sense of who I am to some degree. We're getting to know each other, don't worry. I'm sure you'll know so much more about me. But I think that a good example of the thousand little things that I do and the work that goes into trying not to uphold behaviors that reflect a belief system that I don't agree with. I have a local restaurant and bar that I love, that me and my friends go to all of the time. It's very important to me if I'm going to frequent a restaurant that I know people's names. That's important to me. It's important to my friends. And there is a bartender at a local restaurant that uses they, them pronouns. The times that I have gone with friends who have been there a bunch of times and I say, oh, so-and-so is on the bar tonight, they totally understand who I'm talking about. But when I go with people who have never been and I'm talking to the hostess, I say, who's on the bar and they tell me who it is. When I try to explain who this person is, out of all of the other strangers that my friend doesn't know, I have a hard time trying to describe them and give them descriptors that don't follow a gender norm that they don't subscribe to. And again, I'm aware of that happening. I'm aware of the system that wants me to use particular pronouns. I'm aware of the system that wants me to use particular adjectives to describe this person. And in the moment, I am fighting for my life to not subscribe to that. So think about all of the little ways that I am aware of the system and not aware of how it has trickled down and affected me. Every new one I learn about or I discover is like I was 22 before I realized that band-aids are the color they are because they're made for white skin. What? I had no idea. I just thought that was the color of band-aids. No one told me this information. And I just accepted it because if I got a cut, I gotta cover my cut. So there are so many things that are happening and I'm operating in and I'm doing myself that on the one hand, I'm like, why try? Why do these little behaviors even matter if in the grand scheme of things they're not making a difference? And then on the flip side, I'm like, well, all little things make a difference. I guess both of these things are fair and valid. If you are someone who is being super intentional and doing big work to dismantle oppressive systems or reach across the aisle and be a helping hand, if you're doing the big, noticeable award-winning things, I think that's great and that's beautiful. And I love that you're in that season and I appreciate you like running the race for those of us who can't right now. And if you're on the flip side and all you can do is small things, if you are, you know, like too busy trying to be a survivor and survive in this economy or survive in this oppressive system, and all you have are your small micro behaviors, that's valid too. I think I talk a lot, a lot, a lot about grace on this podcast. It is my middle name. Um, genuinely, I'm not trying to be funny, but it works. It's it's a double entendre in a way, because grace has a definition, but I am also Grace. So I talk a lot about grace on this podcast, and I talk about showing yourself grace and showing other people grace, like extending that. And I don't necessarily want to continue to reiterate that. I'm sure it will eventually. We could all use a little bit more grace in this world than in our day-to-day lives. But I think that the challenge is more so noticing that any effort towards changing oppressive systems deserves to be honored. It's the same way that I feel about boycotting Target. I've been in Target, I think, twice in the last two years. And I am, I'm holding the boycott, sometimes it feels like, by myself. I did have to go in there semi-recently for an emergency. Don't look at me like that. I said emergency, but I also am ordering from Amazon every other day. If you look at Meta's full system and all the crap that they're doing and the problems that they have, I should probably not be posting on Instagram and Facebook as frequently as I am. Make sure you're following me. Make sure you're following me over there. I'm working really hard on that content. Make sure you're following me. But I probably shouldn't be posting that much on Instagram and Facebook. But on the flip side, like, I don't have Twitter anymore. So I'm doing my part. I think the point is that all rebellion is good rebellion. When it comes to oppressive systems, I am not talking about January 6th, and you know I'm not. All rebellion is good rebellion, and there is really no clean second side. The options are not, you're either doing the work or you are enabling the system. The real options sometimes are just you either succumb to the behaviors or you experience burnout trying to deprogram and reprogram every area and interaction and aspect of your life down to the micro behaviors that have you stepping off the sidewalk. Neither are realistic. Both have to come in waves and you have to crawl before you walk and you have to walk before you run. And so I think I'm landing this plane for now and deciding that for me, if even on your worst day, your minimum work is not shrinking, is not overapologizing, is not stepping off the damn sidewalk. That baseline is what eventually rewires the walk and the run. So my challenge to you is to look at all of the little ways in your life that you crawl. Those are important, those matter, those are valid. All of those little ways that you crawl is the fuel that will ignite the fire of the season that you are supposed to be walking or running. The work matters no matter how big or small or insignificant or marginal the outcomes feel or seem to be. When loudness and grandiosity is not where you are in that season, it is all of those subtle shifts, like little tectonic plates, that end up shaking the room. And I think that if you have little rebellions on some days and you do big work on other days, all of those moments are working together and are preparing you for a season that required that level of foundation that you built in the little habits. And those little habits are worth recognizing and noticing and appreciating. They are little nuggets of fuel and we could all use a little fuel. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Please feel free to share it if you're watching it with video on YouTube or wherever you're listening. Please tell your friends I'm trying to increase my weekly downloads. Um, you can follow me on Instagram, TikTok, at while I've got you. Um, I just started a sub stack as well, so you can check me out over there. And I will catch you next week for next week's episode. Bye.